Strain of Lockdown – 6 tips for survival

Social distancing rules in Britain, as around the world, mean that all non-essential public travel and gatherings must be stopped. People can only leave home to exercise, to buy essentials, to attend medical care or when their work cannot be done at home. Being on top of each other in the house is a real challenge. We are trapped inside our houses, forced to spend more time together than ever. We don’t have to be confined to a small family home, with no garden to escape to, to feel the tension of confinement.

We may have to deal with children outside of school with excess energy. We depend on a partner for almost all of our social support because we cannot be with our friends or family.

The stress of confinement can exacerbate already difficult relationships. Signs of family disharmony include negative moodiness, emotional outbursts, resentment, and feelings of frustration.

Here are some ideas on how to survive the stress of confinement.

Handle children with care.

Children and grandchildren can bring wonderful moments to our family life. Their spontaneity and sense of fun can brighten the day. But almost out of nowhere, fighting, yelling, or crying can arise and can be a bit painful. They seem louder, messier, and more demanding than we expected. What they want may be different from what we want, testing our limits and boundaries.

Tolerance and patience are required. Count to ten and take a step back before overreacting. Also the ability to say “no” firmly and consistently without complaining or feeling guilty. It may be necessary to negotiate in advance where to draw the line with the children’s other parent so that they do not learn to pit one parent against the other. To accept authority, children need to be told the reasons why they cannot have what they want. But when he is upset and angry, the child is not ready to reason with him. That has to come later.

We all need rest to restore our internal resources if we are to survive incarceration within our own home. Then we will more easily find the concentration and patience necessary to focus our attention on the needs of our children. They have to adapt to no longer being with their friends. When complaining of feeling bored, they will need support and encouragement to explore new hobbies.

Tragically, the lockdown will likely reduce the support available to us if we are single parents. For example, from friends and grandparents. Without help, it will be more difficult for the adult to get respite and energy to resume caring the next day.

Avoid retaliation

I suppose it is natural for us to feel irritated if a family member speaks to us brusquely. Not so much what they say but how they say it. They can raise their voices when not necessary. It would be worse to yell and slam doors. And if there have been several angry outbursts lately, we would probably get angry, which of course makes things worse. Now we both think about how unfair the other is being. Resentment can grow for a time and increase uneasiness. We can end up imagining turning our backs on each other.

The movie ‘Such for which’ with Laurel and Hardy comes to mind. The two heroes open an electrical goods store next to Charlie’s grocery store. The comedy unfolds in the way the characters involved respond to each other. Charlie mistakenly thinks that Ollie is advancing on his wife and damages some items in Stan and Ollie’s store. Resentfully, Stan and Ollie respond by causing damage to more of Charlie’s stuff, causing him to do worse on his property. Retaliation increases; eventually wreaking havoc on both stores. This is taking things to the extreme.

Being aware and the tension of the confinement

Escaping a heated situation may be less easy during the stress of the confinement. The police guidance is that people can move to a friend’s address during a reflection period “after discussions at home”, as long as this is measured in days, not hours. But this may not be feasible if you have a duty to care for a sick or sick child or family member at home.

You need to lower the tension in some way. Don’t upload it trying to match the score. Don’t make things worse by recovering from someone. The challenge is keeping your head. To notice resentful thoughts but not engage with them. A part of us wants to blame someone when things don’t go well. But instead of acting on this, we can learn to observe this inner rush to judge. We can be more aware not only of our own natural reactions, but also of those around us. And do this with an awareness of the big picture.

Locking tension and affirmation

The result could be to remain silent when someone attacks us. Perhaps wait for a more opportune moment when they are ready to listen. It is possible to resolve a disagreement later. Then, to calmly affirm our own point of view.

Those with affirmation skills can present their point of view with respect, without interrupting or unnecessarily speaking out loud. Without insisting, one is right and the other person is wrong, no matter how safe one feels. This approach may involve being willing to negotiate some kind of compromise.

Collaboration with the person who has offended us could be a possibility. Each must be willing to explore what happened between them. To reflect on where things turned out. How the tension could have been avoided. There may be an underlying problem that can be addressed. A solution to the problem could please both us and them and go beyond what each of us had wished for in the first place.

Tension of confinement and needs of the couple

Couples locked up will stick together for most of the time. A true test of love. To survive this difficult time of lockdown tension, partners need to learn even better than before how to move forward.

This includes being willing to consider and even prioritize the needs of others. Our partner may need to speak and be heard. You may need practical help now in what you are doing. You will need equal participation in decision making. And you will need our forgiveness for any mistake or wrongdoing.

“Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. Understand that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, choose to give them more time than they deserve to correct it.” (Stephen Kendrick)

Prepare to forgive

It is usually easier to put the past behind us when the person who has wronged us is truly sorry. But it is more difficult to ‘forgive and forget’ if they show less than complete remorse for what they have done. In the same way, if only partly by appreciating the damage they have caused us.

To eliminate our resentment, we could try to recall a time when we had done something wrong to them. Nobody is perfect and if they were lenient with us, now it makes it easier for us.

Another tip is to consider what worldly or selfish desire in you has been thwarted by the other person and reconsider its importance. Has pride been hurt? Well, what’s wrong with a little humility? Time wasted by someone? It does not matter, there is a long time in life to recover what was lost.

Resume

The current pandemic is a great challenge for many people. But if we can better learn to live well under the constraints of the stress of confinement, perhaps we will have a better quality of family life afterward.