I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch

It’s hard enough to think about retirement on our own, but it’s even more challenging for couples to plan for this transition. What defines your ideal retirement may not be the same for your spouse or partner. To have a successful retirement lifestyle, each person in the relationship needs to communicate, commit, and cooperate. This requires a lot of understanding and empathy of the situation of others and the recognition of the fact that this great life change affects not only us individually, but also those around us.

How much is too much binding?

Retirement often brings together two people who previously had little interaction during the workday. Suddenly, the days of the week can shift from a time focused on individual schedules to joining marathons 24/7. And, as the saying goes, there can be too many good things!

More typically, it is the husband who withdraws from a structured 40-hour-a-week schedule, and without proper planning for life after retirement, he may turn to his spouse to fill the void. Consider this from the wife’s perspective. You have been alone during the work week, on your own schedule, perhaps for years or even decades. Suddenly her husband is home too, and there is uncertainty about how they will spend time together. Your reaction may be one of resentment, because your long-established ability to plan your own time has faded. The free time that one or both of you waited for is now committed.

I like the saying, “I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch.” In fact, this may be the wife’s reaction when she feels her set schedule is being invaded when her husband retires. And, receiving this type of negative response, the husband may feel even more the loss of his established work life and that he is now only a participant in his wife’s world.

It is human nature to want a little space for ourselves and it does not mean that we love our spouse less. It just means that you need to find that healthy balance between the time you spend together and the time you spend apart. With proper retirement planning, these retirement ‘pitfalls’ can be avoided and a couple can achieve a mutually rewarding retirement lifestyle.

Why Retirement Planning Is So Important

A Cornell study conducted at this stage of life revealed that married couples tend to experience significant conflict during the first few years after one or both spouses retire. Neither of you is ready for this important adjustment. Instead of enjoying a happy union, the two of you may find it difficult to understand your new lifestyle and end up feeling lost. I have heard countless stories of retirees aimlessly seeking a new order in their lives; They reload the dishwasher, move the furniture, and try to figure out what they are supposed to do because they have lost their old job description. Meanwhile, your spouse tries to maintain a normal schedule while worrying about your retired spouse. The burden of this responsible can be overwhelming.

The key is to connect

So how do you make sure you don’t end up as one of these lost and frustrated couples after retirement? The key is to be able to connect with each other.

I’ve always been a fan of Barbara Streisand. I like the lyrics of his song, People: “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.. “Going through life with someone you love and trust is much better than living alone, especially in retirement.

Research shows that couples who reported that they were happily married were able to balance their alone time and time together in a healthy and constructive way. They respected each other’s need for privacy and space. While a spouse is working on their career, this time is incorporated. In retirement, it has to be created by the couple. Pay attention to how you currently use your time and who is in charge of scheduling your time. Try not to depend on your spouse to plan your social life and take equal responsibility for some of those activities. Make sure you are developing your own activities now that you will enjoy separately, as well as those that you will enjoy together. What have you always wanted to do and never had time to do? Make a list of activities, hobbies, and dreams, and then start chasing them.

If you are like most married couples, you have already successfully passed through various stages of your life together; dating, getting married, having children, pursuing a career, among others. Hopefully, with each transition, you will have found ways to learn more about each other and to create a stronger bond that has sustained you. They have learned to be more attentive to each other, respectful of differences, and patient with each other. You have developed more independence and autonomy while protecting the bond you have. This next stage in life is just one more transition through which you can deepen that connection.

Remember love

As couples retire and grow through the changes associated with this transition, they can discover renewed love and commitment.

Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Cute McLaughlin.

Remember that love is a verb. Loving your spouse requires much more from us than just feeling and emotion. Take action. With Valentine’s Day this month, it’s easier for everyone to keep this in the foreground. But sometimes we can lose sight of it in times of challenge. In the transition to retirement, we must keep our love strong and supportive in our relationship. It requires more words of thanks and affirmation to be spoken, and more acts of love and kindness.

To know me is to love me. – Unknown

When two people are willing to be vulnerable, honest and open to each other, accepting the good along with the character flaws, it has come to mature love and intimacy. Share your needs during retirement. Compare what your ideal retirement looks like. Find new ways to spend time together and respect each other’s need to be apart. And above all, never forget love.

I love it … but have lunch outside!