Does couples therapy work with narcissists?

Written by Randi Fine, Narcissistic Abuse Expert

Guidance and Support for Narcissistic Abuse with Randi Fine

All relationships have conflict. Every relationship has areas of difficulty. There will be some form of disagreement and pain in every relationship. What determines a successful relationship is the willingness and commitment of each partner to find resolutions they can agree on.

Agreements often involve compromises. Commitment requires flexibility and choice. It does not imply sacrifice. Sacrifice involves giving up an important aspect of yourself to benefit someone else and never getting it back. That exhausts the one who sacrifices and endows the other. The balance of the relationship becomes more and more unbalanced with each sacrifice.

Trust in a relationship and commitment to its success can be easily destroyed when problems between partners are avoided or not addressed, when one partner is dismissive, negative, or uncooperative, and when problems persist too long without intervention. Problems that couples cannot solve on their own, such as infidelity, change of goals, money problems, sex. boredom etc could arise. These types of unresolved challenges can influence the long-term success of a committed relationship and are best resolved through couples therapy.

The goal of the couples therapist is to help the couple better understand behavior patterns; how they relate to each other, interact with each other and the way they communicate with each other. To achieve optimal results with couples therapy, both of you must be willing to participate in the process, do the work, and commit to changing your behaviors.

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reports that 98 percent of people who used marriage and family therapy services rated them as good or excellent. As a narcissistic abuse expert and trainer who has worked with hundreds of narcissistic abuse victims and has spoken to thousands more, I believe the reported success rate is grossly inflated. I question the statistics because couples therapy not only doesn’t work for everyone, but it doesn’t work when one partner has a narcissistic personality disorder. The website hbwvlaw.com states that “according to the US National Institutes of Health, 6.2% of the US population has NPD. That means that for every 10 divorce cases, at least one of the spouses is narcissistic.

Most people enter couples therapy with the intention of changing their partner’s behavior. Targets of narcissistic abuse come to these therapy sessions hoping that the therapist will open their partner’s eyes to how hurtful they are being and, in doing so, help the couple get their marriage back on track. When narcissistic abusers enter couples therapy, their intention is to convince the therapist that they are perfect, that they are victims of abuse, and that their partner is to blame for everything that has gone wrong in their relationship.

To quote Ellnor Greenberg, Ph. D. in his Psychology Today article, Is couples therapy useful? who and wheren Is a partner narcissistic? “Effective couples therapy requires each partner to be willing to reflect on their beliefs, behaviors, and impact on the other person. People in couples therapy need to be able to admit where their behavior or their expectations for the relationship are unreasonable. Narcissists cannot admit their shortcomings without in their own mind turning from feeling special to worthless. This makes it highly unlikely that they can actually use couples therapy to try to improve their approach to the relationship. “

When they agree to go to couples therapy, narcissists are not trying to improve their relationships. They go for two reasons:

• to show that your partner is entirely to blame – to get stronger and bring your partner down

• for entertainment: they enjoy the challenge of trying to win over the therapist and teaming up against their partner

In therapy, narcissists will falsely but convincingly lament about the undying love and commitment they have for their partners, how they only want the best for them. They will portray their partners as abusers; angry, delusional, cruel, self-centered, unreasonable, hurtful, unloving, and neglectful, claiming that they are the hurtful ones, the ones who are not committed to the relationship, the ones who refuse to work things out.

Narcissists, consummate actors that they are, can be very convincing in this ruse. The most discerning couples therapists are quick to recognize projection and manipulation tactics. But many don’t. Many are blinded by the lies, cunning manipulation, and impressive facade of the narcissist. Not being able to see through the charade, they often buy into the narcissist’s victimization and falsely place all responsibility for the marital problem on the real victim. Others miss the signs of narcissistic personality disorder entirely and can just as easily be manipulated.

In many cases, even though the targeted couples try desperately to make the couples’ therapists understand their perspective and believe their reports of the craziness they are subjected to at home, the wrong person will be blamed. The targeted partner will be accused of being the offender and all the responsibility for the relationship problems will fall on them. She will be reprimanded for perpetrating abuse against an undeserving love partner and advised to be more lenient and considerate of her needs. The targeted couple leaves the therapy session feeling more confused and invalidated than before, ashamed and guilty, abandoned and betrayed by the person they trusted to help them, feeling much worse than before they asked for help. And the cycle of abuse continues.

Couples therapy only works when both parties are willing to change. With their self-perceived omnipotence, narcissists see no reason to change, therefore they are unwilling to do so.

Therapeutic success also requires vulnerability on both sides. In the clinical environment of couples therapy, opinion and the expression of feelings are encouraged, and both members of the couple are provided with a safe space in which they can open up comfortably. In this scenario, couples with two committed people can work through conflicts and strengthen their bond.

Victims of narcissistic abuse come to couples therapy with the same expectations but with a false sense of security. They trust the therapist to take them at their word and protect them from further abuse. But even if the therapist listens, believes, and validates everything the target partner reveals, and the narcissist feigns empathy, sympathy, and doesn’t react, there will still be a lot to pay for later, especially if the couple lives together in the same house. The non-narcissistic partner is guaranteed to be punished in some way (emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual) for revealing “private information,” exposing the truth, and criticizing the narcissistic partner who demands nothing less than loyalty, obedience, respect, appreciation. and reverence.

You deserve to be happy, to be loved, and to have a fulfilling relationship with a committed partner who meets your needs. If you are in a relationship that is making you unhappy and confused, robbing you of your individuality and robbing you of your self-esteem, causing you to walk on eggshells or live in fear, it may be time to end your relationship. Don’t leave abruptly or threaten to leave. It is not safe and is never recommended. To learn safe exit strategies, enlist the help of a narcissistic abuse specialist: therapist, narcissistic abuse coach, or divorce coach. These professionals will be invaluable in helping you achieve your desired result.