Chaos Tolerance: A Side Effect of Addiction and Unstable Mental Health Symptoms Affecting Families

Do you live with someone who has an active drug or alcohol addiction, unstable or untreated mental health problems, or someone who behaves in a way that creates a great deal of chaos in your life? If this scenario describes you, and you are trying to love, help and support this person, it is very likely that you are living under the influence of FOG-Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

I work with a lot of family members who are living under the influence of FOG and don’t even realize it. They realize they are feeling stressed, but often lose sight of the compassion fatigue they are experiencing. Family members who live with someone who has an active drug or alcohol addiction or significantly unstable mental health problems begin to develop a tolerance for chaos. The threshold for “chaos tolerance” can become so high that family members may lose sight of how potentially dangerous or emotionally draining their environment has become. This kind of tolerance for chaos can take hold of anyone, no matter how smart, successful, skilled, talented, financially stable, or educated they may be.

I have worked with family members whose “chaos tolerance” has become so high that they have almost reacted with indifference to situations that would cause those of us not under the influence of FOG to run for help and support. Family members often recount their experiences of extremely volatile situations (is it safe to stand near their intoxicated and verbally aggressive loved one who is heating up a lead pipe on the gas grill and uttering threats) and describe how they coped to cope (with little or no help from others) until the situation calmed down.

Untreated/unstable mental illnesses and addiction problems affect not only the person, but the entire family. Family members often experience the feeling of living in a fog. Things seem confusing for many reasons, some external, some internal.

I believe that all family members (who are the primary stakeholders in the well-being of their loved ones) experience FOG, which is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. The combination of these three feelings creates almost a fog (or a fog-like barrier) for the loved one that can cloud feelings, judgment, and a sense of what is real. Often what happens to people who have a loved one dealing with these kinds of concerns is that they start to wonder how to handle certain situations because the stakes are so high.

Fear, obligation, and guilt are often the roots of these feelings. Fear of what will happen if you don’t (fill in the blank). Guilt for what you should have done, should have done, or should not have done. Feeling obligated to help the person or ‘fix’ the situation.

As loved ones begin to operate under the influence of FOG, they often begin to think, feel, and behave in ways they normally would not. Some things loved ones can do are:

• Overcompensating your loved one
• Make all kinds of efforts to ‘fix’ your loved one’s situation
• Behaving in ways that they would not normally behave (begging, yelling, threatening, punishing, withdrawing emotionally, etc.)
• Pay drug dealers/debts/legal fees
• Devoting all emotional energy to helping/blaming/feeling responsible
• Feeling inadequate for not being able to ‘fix’ or find solutions
• Acting out or withdrawing/emotionally isolating from friends
• Forgetting to take care of themselves/experiencing compassion fatigue
• Unintentionally resorting to ineffective communication

In addition to people dealing with mental health/addiction issues, loved ones also need support. It is important for loved ones to take care of themselves as well as help loved ones seek help. There are community resources (Jami, NAMI, Al-Anon, online support groups, etc.) available to provide support. Family members, who have the role of loving, supporting, and helping their loved one with these types of conditions, would likely benefit from seeing a personal counselor for emotional support and guidance.

By seeking help and support from a variety of support resources, the fog experienced by loved ones can begin to lift. When the tough get going, the tough get a support network! Don’t do it alone, get support!