Celebrity Apprentice – Prologue

“Tide-to-Go. Tide-to-Go. Tide-to-Go. Tide-to-Go.” Do you remember Tide-to-Go? Not the product: the Apprentice episode.

For those of you who don’t know, in (I think) Season 4, the two teams of The Apprentice were tasked with hosting competitive street theater-type events to promote Proctor & Gamble’s new laundry cleaning solution. , Tide-to- Come on. The winning team put on a reasonably clever street circus complete with clowns, acrobats, balloons, and face paint. The Losers attempted to improvise a Tide-to-Go rap from a flat stage next to the sidewalk. The improv quickly collapsed when the would-be trainees discovered that MTV makes saying things in rhyme seem so much easier than it is. After several seconds of silence (except for a karaoke rap track that rang in the ears of the passing lunchtime crowd), the rap was reinvented as the chant “Tide-to-Go, Tide-to -Go.” After ten minutes of repeating the key (and unique) phrase, the trainees began to slur their words, eventually making the chant sound like Tryed-to-Go, Tryed-to-Go. This caused passing pedestrians to avoid trainees handing out Tide-to-Go samples, which bore a passing resemblance to very large suppositories.

I mention the Tide-to-Go episode as a prologue to Apprentice 7 for this reason: every time I see a Tide-to-Go package, that annoying chant plays in my head. Given the contestants who participated in The Celebrity Apprentice edition, it seems that the people who did the casting had the same problem. The more annoying a celebrity candidate was, the more that celebrity’s name played on casting agents’ heads. And the 14 finalists are:

Trace Adkins, singer/songwriter. He says he wrote his memoir, A Personal Stand: Observations and Opinions of a Freethinking Roughneck, to express his thoughts on political issues, adding: “I don’t think the stage is the place to defend those views. “. Hey Trace – based on your work to date (and I’m thinking here of American Man volumes 1 and 2), you’ve got it. Oh, and great job on the New Year’s Day appearance at Hannity & Colmes.

Carol Alt, model/actress. According to her website, hers “fans from all over the world will be delighted to know that Carol has not only been very busy domestically, but also internationally.” So there, all of you who were wondering what happened to her…

Stephen Baldwin, actor/brother. I loved him on The Usual Suspects, I rooted for him on The Surreal Life and Fear Factor, I cringed when he talked on CNN about making Christ fashionable for children. But he’s still my favorite Baldwin brother. A #3 is my favorite of all the bits my dentist used when he did my root canal.

Nadia Comaneci, Olympian/Gymnast. She is 45 now. The youngest of her 5 gold medals turns 28 this summer.

Tiffany Fallon, nude/lady. Playboy Playmate of the Year 2005.

Nely Galán, producer/Latina. Ms. Galán created El cisne, which was last broadcast in late 2004. If you go to their official website and click on the link “Check the schedules of TV shows, auditions, book launches, magazine launches , tour dates, etc.”, you land on a web page that reports, “The Swan 3 Coming Soon. 2005 US Mall Tour. Keep checking back for more,” and nothing more.

Marilu Henner actor/author. His vision for his business lies in his health and diet books and the Discovery Channel series Shape Up Your Life, which is based on them. She doesn’t think much of dairy. I’m starting to think she might be lactose intolerant. Every time I eat more than two hot fudge sundaes I feel bloated.

Lennox Lewis, boxer/canchero. I will never forget the Tyson fight. Will we be able to tell which ear?

Jennie Finch, softball/player. Ms. Finch has won 3 gold medals as a member of the US Olympic women’s softball team. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Not all of those. Mrs. Finch is a heterosexual practitioner. But I bet she has some kinky stories in her locker room.

Omarosa, contestant/villain. While Apprentice veteran Omarosa has done many reality and talk shows, her personal website, http://www.omarosa.com/, makes it clear that there is a side to her that few of us suspect. . Who would have thought that she “serves” as the managing partner of a strategic planning consulting service with a “full service approach” to business solutions. Solution example: “Here’s what’s wrong, Gates: This damn spell checker thing is slowing everything down. We’ll disable that little sucker right now.”

Piers Morgan, talent show editor/judge. This judge of NBC’s summer series America’s Got Talent was, at the age of 28, the youngest editor of the British tabloid News of the World. Is it true that the paper once ran a story in its Silver Linings section, titled “Vampire Attacks on the Decline Since AIDS”?

Tito Ortiz, UFC/fighter. In 2003, Ortiz, the reigning UFC light heavyweight champion, lost the title to Randy Couture. Couture humiliated him by giving him a literal beating during the fight. Hey Tito: watch out for Omarosa. I suspected for a long time that she likes to spank boys too.

Vincent Pastore, actor. Not Vince, the queer from Entourage. This is the real deal: Big Pussy by The Sopranos.

Gene Simmons, musician/language. My bet for the first person to be eliminated. Why? Because it rocks and rolls all night and part of every day.

So that’s the cast. Watching these egoists sell lemonade on the streets of Manhattan is going to be a train wreck, which is what we’re all waiting for. I just wish they were playing for a big cash prize that was theirs. Then we would see real blood.