5 typical things women say to men and what they mean

I often say that women give the best dating advice, as long as you don’t listen to what they tell you to do. Women give their advice through their reactions. They also give you their advice through what they say, you just have to know how to translate it.

So today, in part one of my 3-part series on “Speaking Womanese,” we’re going to look at some typical things women say when they meet new men, and what they really mean.

1. “I have a boyfriend.”

This particular phrase can mean a variety of things depending on when and how it is mentioned in conversation. The first thing to realize when girls tell you they have a boyfriend is that it’s not always true. A lot of times the girl will say that she has a boyfriend just to avoid having to be rude or wasting time entertaining a guy she’s not interested in all night. Women will also say things like “we’re lesbians” or “we’re together” to get rid of you in a socially acceptable way.

If a woman tells you that she REALLY has a boyfriend early in the conversation (like in the first 3 minutes or so), she really means “I’m not interested in you romantically.” Women hate social awkwardness, so if she’s really not interested in the conversation and realizes you’re flirting with her, saying she has a boyfriend is a good, friendly way to get out of the awkwardness.

If a woman tells you she has a boyfriend when you’re trying to escalate the interaction (getting a phone number or trying to get her to leave with you), it usually means one of two things. Or she has let the interaction go further than she intended and she wants to let you know that you don’t stand a chance. Or she is trying to let him know that this can be a one time thing.

If a woman casually mentions a boyfriend by saying something like “me and my boyfriend” or “we like…”, she’s usually just letting you know about the situation, but she may still be willing to escalate the interaction. At which point it becomes a morality issue outside the scope of this newsletter:

2. “We’re not having sex tonight!”

If a woman tells you that she is not going to have sex with you, she is already thinking about it. The women launch the “we are not going to have sex tonight”. objection because they realize that things are starting to heat up between the two of you. They do this because they have to be able to maintain plausible deniability. Maintaining plausible deniability means you always take responsibility for the escalation. This applies to everything from making the first approach to giving her an excuse so she can tell her friends why she left the club with you. Everything is your responsibility. I was going to save some money on drinks” or “have a drink before going home” But then “one thing led to another…”

So when he says “we’re not having sex tonight” he means “I want you to convince me that there will be no consequences for me if I have sex with you tonight.” This is where showing a girl that you don’t kiss and tell her is crucial. You have to show the girl that you will not damage her reputation or lose her respect if she sleeps with you.

If a woman tells you she’s not going to have sex with you tonight, you should always reply, “I was about to tell you the same thing.” The ideal is to tell the girl that you are not going to have sex with her first. I always treat that statement as the finish line of a race that you want to get to first.

3. “Not (kiss, have sex, have a midget threesome) on the (first night, first date, third date).

When a woman gives you a rule like “No kissing on the first date.” Or “I don’t have sex until the third date.” She is sending a clear message. She is not sure about you. She doesn’t necessarily know if she sees you in her long-term life or if you’re just some guy she’ll go on a few dates with and forget about. So because of this, she is starting to make rules. Some girls actually have rules about their love life, but most don’t. Most women just go with what brings the best emotions. If she’s starting to get all logical, she’s not that into you…

If a woman says something like this, it’s a great opportunity to inject some humor and flip the girl’s script. If a girl ever gives me a rule, I just say, “Great, are you the only rule or do you have more before I tell you mine?” Now sometimes she has a few more rules, but once she’s done I give her a ridiculous list of rules I have until she laughs so hard she forgets what we were talking about. The more random and fun, the better. Some of my favorites are enforcing dress casual on Fridays where you’re not allowed to wear pants, reminding you that Tuesday is “Feed Jon Grapes and Fan Him Day,” and more.

4. “You’re a (asshole, gamer, dirty old man)

When a woman jokingly insults you or accuses you of being a jerk, a gambler, a dirty old man, whatever… she’s actually saying “I’m kind of attracted to you and I want to see if you’re really cool or faking it.” “Because men can lie, women need to have a way of finding out which men are really cool and which men are faking it. So when you’re attracted to girls early on, they’ll often ‘test’ you.”

The best way to deal with women’s tests is to agree and exaggerate. What most guys do wrong is they disagree and then try to show a girl that they are not a jerk or a player. This is bad because it sets up an underlying theme that you are trying to live up to their expectations rather than vice versa. So instead you always agree when a woman accuses or insults you. Then you exaggerate the comment to the point of absurdity. So, for example, if a girl accuses you of being a gambler, you can say “Yeah, I’m actually pretty busy right now, but I can get you next Thursday if you promise to be nice.” or “Yeah, actually I was recently voted the sixth greatest player in an average major city by People magazine.”

5. “Let’s just be friends.”

When a girl you just met tells you that she just wants to be friends, what she really means is that she is not interested in you at all. Most people, especially attractive women, don’t make friends from failed flirtation attempts. The fact that she suggests we be friends means that she is not interested in you romantically. Besides, she worries that you’re expecting something else. If a girl tells you that she just wants to be friends, you’re out of luck. In rare circumstances, you can escape the friend zone, but you’re officially out of the “Ultimate Relationship Proposal” category. So if you really want to be friends with her (without it being part of a long-term seduction plan), go ahead and get her phone number and try dating her. Just be sure to mention that you’re just trying to be her friend, so she doesn’t suspect you’re trying to get in her pants. It can also be a good idea to go out with her in a mixed group of your friends and her friends. This will help her feel less like a date the first few times you go out together. Friends are a great blessing. I highly recommend that everyone reading this make friends with at least 5 women who interest you.

Well, that pretty much sums up what women really mean when they say things like “we’re not having sex tonight” or “let’s just be friends.” Next time I’ll look at how women communicate through body language, eye contact, and spatial relevance.

until next time,