Why do husbands risk having an affair and then beg their wives not to leave them?

I often hear from wives who don’t understand the divide between the man who begs them not to leave him because of his affair and the man who risked literally everything to have the same affair. The wife often racks her brain to find out what her thought process might have been. Because she seems completely sincere in being desperate not to lose his family now. But what about before? Why was he willing to risk them to see the matter through?

A wife might say, “Honestly, my head is spinning. I really don’t understand. I have always told my husband that I would never, ever tolerate cheating. He seemed to understand this and emphatically said he would never do that. I believed him. My husband is a man of great integrity. He’s not in the habit of lying and being deceitful. He’s been a good husband. But he cheated on me with a co-worker I actually know. I’m in a club with her and sometimes we would talk about our families. My husband had I had to know this. And yet, I was having an affair. I knew very well that if I found out, I would probably take our children and move. The other woman also has children and a husband. Worse than this, in my husband’s company, they’re not supposed to date coworkers so they were both breaking the rules and there would probably be career consequences if they got caught also my husband was very sloppy like he wanted to get caught but when I confront him with the respect, eat out. He chases me around the house sobbing and saying that he can’t take it if he leaves him and takes the kids. When I tell him that he should have thought of this earlier, he says that’s the problem, that he wasn’t thinking. But the thing is, my husband is a thinker. He’s not the type of person who doesn’t know what he’s doing. He had to be aware of the risks. I’m sick that he did this. Why would a reasonable person risk everything to have an affair? Actually, he claims that he didn’t even care much about her. He insists that she means next to nothing to him. If this is really true, why would he risk all this to cheat on her? I just don’t understand.”

I really understand what you say. I had the same questions. I asked these questions of my own husband and of men I interviewed for articles. Although every man, every issue, and every set of details is different, you tend to see the same themes come up over and over again. I’ll share them now in the hope that something will be useful.

They minimize the risk in their own mind in any way they can: If you ask an honest man directly why he risked everything for an affair, you might get a blank stare. Why? Because when you think about it after the fact, the risk is staggering, but at the time you didn’t internalize the risk. In fact, they did everything they could to minimize it in their own minds. That’s why all of this is so puzzling to wives. If most of our husbands sat down and thought exactly what might happen if they were caught, most would never do it. Because it’s not worth taking that risk. But don’t sit back and really think about it. They tell themselves it will be a one time thing. Or that they can and will finish it very quickly. They tell themselves that their marriage and the affair are two different parts of their lives and that they can keep them away from each other.

People who have had affairs describe it as juggling a bunch of balls in the air, keeping both things going constantly. Some even try to break off the relationship, but the other person tries their best to keep it. Many of them are in the process of taking things down when they are caught. At that point, they began to recognize the risk they were taking and began to try to extricate themselves from it. But of course by then it’s too late and they get caught.

I can’t say that there aren’t some husbands who are involved in the matter and want to continue with it even when they get caught. But in my experience, this is not the case with many. Most of them will tell you that if they had sat down and thought, they never would have done it. Most say he would give anything to get it back because he doesn’t want to lose his family. The statistics bear this out, as more married couples survive an affair than don’t. In short, most men do their best not to think about risk.

An everyday perspective: When I was trying to come to terms with this in my own life, I realized that, if we’re all being honest, there are some mind games we all play with risk, but on a much smaller scale. For example, I have a family history of skin cancer. When I drive in a shared car, I am in the car (and therefore in the sun) for a long period of time. I know I should wear sunscreen and most of the time I do. But if I’m in a hurry and running out the door, there will be times when I’ll think “stop what you’re doing and put on sunscreen. You know you can’t leave your skin unprotected.” But since I’m late and I don’t want to be at the end of the line, I’m left without her. This puts me and my family at risk (if I had cancer). I know completely. And yet, I push those worries to the back of my mind and move on. I know this is not an apples to apples comparison. Sunscreen and an adventure are two very different things. But I wanted to point out that we all tend to downplay risks in our own minds. It’s just human nature. This does not excuse her husband, far from it. But I wanted to show the process involved in the mind games we all play with ourselves. On a larger scale, this is how people risk everything for an adventure. They just push risky thoughts to the back of their minds, until they catch them or try to end them.