Why can’t an adult child live in the present?

Many have philosophized that the past is over, that the future has not happened yet, and that all anyone has is the present. But for an adult child, who endured a shameful, dysfunctional and even abusive upbringing, but was unable to understand, process or recover from it, isn’t it really over for him? Not so, how then can he live fully in the present?

The origin of his pathology is his inner child-or his own survival solution to the adverse circumstances that he was forced to live through and that showed that it was not safe to exist in the present.

Unaware at an early and even infantile age, and devoid of any tools to protect or defend himself, the child found himself in the care of one or more parents who themselves were the product of a dysfunctional, unstable, and alcoholic upbringing. Hurt and insecure, but unaware of their own origins as adult children, they projected their negative and highly charged feelings, most likely laced with alcoholic toxins, onto their vulnerable offspring, seeking to release their own burdens and look outside of themselves. to feel complete.

Needing his parents for shelter, sustenance, clothing, care, and emotional support to survive, the boy attempted to stabilize them so they could continue to perform their duties. Internalizing and burying the volatile and inappropriate feelings being conveyed to him, he believed that if he strived to be as good and perfect as possible, he would not be abandoned and ultimately loved.

Therefore, he changed the reason for his possession from the parents, who could not offer it, to himself, believing that he was not worthy to receive it. At this stage, he idealized his parents, considering them perfect representatives, equivalent to God.

However, these conditions reek of instability and lack of security, leaving his only resource for survival as the creation of the protected inner child, allowing him to escape spiritually at a tender age when he was completely dependent on his caretakers.

“Because of (these circumstances), the child’s true vulnerable self is hurt so often that, to protect it, he defensively dives deep into the subconscious part of his psyche,” according to Dr. Charles L. Whitfield in “Co – Dependence: Healing the Human Condition” (Health Communications, Inc., 1991, p. 27). “The boy hides.”

However, the process hardly ends here. Whatever is fed to it, particularly of a negative nature such as criticism, it swallows, depositing it in its false account of itself, eventually filling it to overflowing capacity, eroding its self-esteem and giving increasing power to its voice. critical inner self, which may play out frequently, if not chronically, later in life as an adult.

“As children, we focus on the bizarre or careless nature of our parents’ behavior,” reports the textbook “Adult Children of Alcoholics” (World Service Organization, 2006, p. 7). “We mistakenly thought that we caused their moods or attitudes or that we could do something to change the circumstances. We didn’t realize that we were children and that adults were responsible for their own feelings and actions. Many of us think we caused our parents’ addictions. We take responsibility for (their) anger, rage, guilt or pity… By living with a parent who blames or shames, we develop a false and dependent self. We secretly think we don’t deserve it. Meanwhile, the inner child is drawn inside to hide.”

Ultimately, the adult child, who may not be aware that he experienced an inherently conflicted upbringing during which his true or authentic self naturally sought to evolve and grow, but was constantly attacked by his ego or false self so that he remained submerged, stopped in its development. .

Trapped in his initial inner child, in need of trauma, buried deep within himself to escape further harm and seek safety, and suspended at an age that never crossed the line between child and adult, he could face no more obstacles in his quest, if not in your need. to live in the present.

While the sayings of “time heals all” and “gone and forgotten” are good theories, the reality is that these devastating life-changing dynamics, all occurring at crucial stages of development, ensure that the person remains chained to their past, despite their efforts. as an adult to function and move forward in the present. Forced to rest his life on his shaky foundation, he is prone to falling apart frequently.

The ties that bind him to his past are numerous, including his unresolved childhood; the volatile emotions that he was forced to repress, but that can take hold of him now and in which he can become trapped, returning him to the vulnerable times when he did not have the resources to protect himself or defend himself from the alcoholic toxins that feed the fire, which they are given volcanic proportions, taking on lives of their own and reducing him to an out-of-control bystander; and the ever-increasing layers of them that gave them a complexity and power that he cannot independently overcome without psychological intervention or recovery.

Reboots, which ignite this inner flame and only fuel its intensity, occur inadvertently and unconsciously, particularly if the person still lives with their abusive parent or at least in the home of origin where their detriment took place, where, even years later, each corner can bump into your circuit. They can also occur when he feels diminished or threatened by an authority figure later in life whose physical or behavioral characteristics “remind” him of or suggest his parents. The more it turns back on, the narrower the focus of him becomes, until he can only be physically present, but emotionally stuck in his past. Caught in the vortex of his childhood, he can’t see the path to adulthood.

Mistrust and the perception of danger further expel an adult child from the present. There are several indicators, once understood, that can alert you that some person, place or thing poses a risk or threat and help you protect yourself from them.

The first of these is re-seizing adult child survival traits caused by the brain, which may include the need to isolate and seek safety, the loss of identity, the hunger for approval and acceptance, the rush of fear and perception. of threat generated by others angry or out of control, the sudden return to the victim position, the feeling of helplessness, the need for people to placate or disarm potential “enemies”, the rush of adrenaline and stress hormones, the experience of the fight or flight mode, and the propensity to react, as if the person were once again a helpless child in the face of danger. That “reaction” largely returns the person to his or her past and creates the adult child syndrome.

The second indicator is the mere re-experiencing of anxieties, fears and post-traumatic stress disorders, and the erection of defenses, when no logical or apparent reason can be found for it. In these cases, the person, in a reactivated reactive mode, may be trying to protect himself in the present from something that happened to him in the past.

“I suspect that if I took back all the minutes, hours, and days I have sacrificed to worry and fear, it would add years to my life,” according to a testimony in Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change” (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters , Inc., 1992, p.10). “When I succumb to worry, I open a Pandora’s box of terrifying images, paranoid voices, and unrelenting self-criticism. The more attention I pay to this mental static, the more I lose my footing in reality. Then nothing useful can be accomplished.”

Without understanding and recovery, uprooting this condition is no easy task.

“Living one day at a time as the adult child of an alcoholic can seem insurmountable when confronted with the myriad of feelings and memories that arise during recovery,” advises “Hope for Today” (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002, p 27.) “…How do I stay in the present when I am faced with horrible memories from the past? Sometimes I pray a moment at a time, asking for the help of my Higher Power through the Prayer of Prayer.” Serenity Other times I talk, explain it, shout it, or cry out to God or a trusted friend Sometimes I listen in meetings or read my literature Other times, however, I write it down, walk away, or do something else safe and comforting “.

The ultimate indication of current danger and the need to escape is a person’s need to numb, dissociate, and retreat to their inner childish sanctuary. The regenerated emotions in this case are so volatile that it is unable to withstand the physiological response of the body if it allows itself to feel them.

Anything that a person cannot resolve in their past, they can re-experience and act on in the present, draining them of their positive energy and distorting their “now”.

“There can be great value in examining the past,” according to “Courage to Change” (op. cit., p. 99). “It can offer insights into the present, as well as clues that might help you change for a better future. For those of us who deny, distort, or lose touch with painful memories, facing the reality of our past can be a critical part of our lives.” our…recovery.”

Due to its power to damage and derail child development, stepping out of the past and into the present requires understanding, processing and resolving it and, through regaining safety and trust, the ability to connect with others and with a Higher power. .

“Facing the past as it may arise in my life today does not mean that I should remain trapped in it”, concludes “Hope for Today” (op. cit., p. 27). “I can let the healing power of (my 12-step program) help me feel old, buried emotions and then put them where they belong: in the past. Accepting my story and letting it go doesn’t deny what I have. Instead, it allows me to enjoy the present and move forward into the future, free from the weight of old emotions.

Living in the past is like watching reruns of an old movie, while living in the present is the equivalent of shooting a new one.

Article sources:

“Adult Children of Alcoholics”. Torrance, California: World Service Organization for Adult Children of Alcoholics, 2006.

“Courage to change”. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 1992.

“Hope for today.” Virginia Beach, Virginia: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., 2002.

Whitfield, Charles L., MD “Codependency: Healing the Human Condition.” Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1991.