Hungry for emotional intimacy

Have you ever noticed that when you walk into a room, it’s almost as if your internal startup device is scanning the room for someone to connect with and as if by default it announces “This one is not interested in you, go ahead”?

While other singles come home with dating stories that were intense and fascinating, both emotionally and physically, all you can remember are details of how often there was silence, restlessness, and discomfort during your own dates. And you probably remember that there was one (or more people) you met in your life who would have fallen in love with you but didn’t want anything to do with you or if the relationship really started, it took only a few months before the person from the that you are so in love I won’t even touch you!

Emotional closeness was the theme of my weekend game store. He had over 20 single men and women in the room. For the first ten minutes, I told them to mingle and get to know each other while I watched. In particular, I noticed a woman we will call Mindy. Mindy constantly pried herself into other people’s space, smiling and trying to start a conversation, but she received a polite nod and the conversation continued as if she wasn’t there or someone spoke to her for a few minutes before excusing herself. In many cases, he understood the body language that said “back off.” Of course, most of the people in the room had some kind of relationship problem or another, but seeing Mindy was painful. It was like watching a needy puppy try to hug a strange cat that didn’t want his presence.

Mindy is smart and fit, smart and style conscious. His image is impeccably professional and his physical appearance embodies the fantasy of many men. She is spontaneous and fun, she was charming and a good conversationalist. It seemed open and delivered. Over the course of the day, he shared with the workshop participants that he had never had a real love affair or even one that lasted more than a year. All of her relationships ended when the man left, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad, and lost. In each case, after complaining about the affair, she told herself that she deserved better and that the men who had abandoned her were not up to her expectations. So, in her usual style, she would get an expensive makeover complete with new wardrobe and jewelry. Then she would go out to the local hot spots and find another man.

Like I said, she was very open about her life and talked about her relationships with her parents, what she said to the group was more courtesy and courtesy than anything else. She also told us that she didn’t have very close friends because she felt that most of her friends were jealous and didn’t want to see her succeed. So she ended up avoiding friends entirely. At work he was very professional and insisted on keeping his work life very separate from his personal life. But even as she spoke, I couldn’t help but notice that Mindy was adept at creating a smokescreen, so much so that despite her seemingly generous and open outward image, I felt that her interactions with the group were an artificial performance. His character seemed to lack genuine feeling and connection. Like I said, it was painful to watch.

Mindy was obviously unaware of the emotional impact she had on others, something that had seeped through her entire life. Not only was her outer image disconnected from her inner image, but the more she “acted,” the more disconnected were her interactions with the rest of the group.

It is a common thing that the people who yearn for emotional closeness are the same people who constantly distance themselves emotionally from others. We may not see ourselves as emotionally distant because emotional distancing takes different forms: manipulation, scolding, whining, seduction, falsehood, control, intrusion, avoidance, isolation, jumping to conclusions about other people’s words and actions, etc. It is also shown when people are unreasonably hostile towards others thinking that others are jealous of them and are willing to sabotage their efforts. This exaggeration can also be assuming that the opposite sex is crazy about you and that you have the cards in the game.

As in the case of Mindy, many singles ignore the impact that their emotional detachment has on others, subconsciously. So even if they yearn so badly for someone to share, touch, hold, and cherish with, they find that they are constantly being rejected, lied to, avoided, etc. Emotional distancers are often attracted to people like them, those who also have trouble letting go of their emotional defenses. This doesn’t stop at dating or sex, but seeps into all other relationships. Some people alternate between involvement and distance, breaking up and then reconciling over and over again, or ending relationships when they become too intimate. Others are so preoccupied with activities that they are simply not available. It is a protection device. After all, the spouse cannot demand emotions from you if you are not present.

Unless you take the time to work through your cycles of self-destructive behavior, you will remain starved for emotional intimacy. So even if you consciously crave closeness, others will sooner or later see your “performance” and want nothing to do with you. Usually, on the second date, someone has already noticed. So wait for the third date that never comes. Like I said, it is painful.