Friends "With benefits": Is this just asking for trouble?

Jen’s friends think she’s crazy. She and her best friend Alex have started having sex with each other.

The first time they got together, Alex made it clear to Jen that he doesn’t want to have a committed love relationship with her. He told her that he cares a lot about her, as a friend. In other words, Alex let Jen know that he wants a buddy arrangement “with benefits.” In fact, he asked Jen not to let anyone know that they had been sleeping together.

Since Jen is not ready to get into a serious relationship, she told Alex that she was fine with this kind of arrangement. She also cares a lot about him, as a friend. But she cannot deny that she is also attracted to him. Sex is great too.

The few friends Jen has shared her secret with have been honest with her about how this “friends with benefits” situation is destined for disaster. They tell you that you are only asking for anguish and trouble.

We have seen it in the movies and we have heard that it happened in real life. Friends “with benefits” is when two people become sexually active with each other, but do not carry their relationship beyond just being friends.

The reasons for this decision vary …

Sometimes the two of them worry about ruining their friendship if they officially become a couple.

Sometimes one person (or both) is not ready for a serious commitment, but wants the sexual benefits of one.

Sometimes one person (or both) is already in a committed relationship and is trying to avoid calling what they are doing cheating.

If you have become sexual with a friend and one or both of you do not want to call each other, this is not necessarily a problem or a “bad” thing.

Objective…

And this is a big but …

We recommend that you proceed with extreme caution if you are in a “beneficial” buddy relationship. Whether you and your friend call each other a partner or not, when you already have a friendship and start having sex with each other, you are most likely in a relationship.

There are all kinds of confusion, different interpretations, and wrong assumptions that can easily and quickly develop. That is why it could be true that, in many cases, being friends “with benefits” is just looking for trouble and anguish.

Make clear and honest agreements.

We cannot underestimate the importance of reaching agreements with your friend. Be open and honest about what you want and don’t pretend that you agree to a specific arrangement when you don’t really agree with it.

Try to promote an environment of honesty and clarity. Perhaps your first agreement with your friend is that both of you will be absolutely honest with each other about what you want for this relationship (which neither of you can call a relationship). Make it a policy for both of you to say “yes” only when you really mean it.

Cover all the bases that you can think of.

For example, are there “rules” about who can initiate sex? What are each of your expectations for how much time you could spend together? Is this a secret or will you let others know about your sexual relationship (if it arises)? If one of you is dating someone else, how will you handle that? Will you practice safe sex and use protection?

These issues may not seem important to you, so think about what your biggest concerns and questions are, and then talk about them. Come to a mutual understanding to avoid confusion and conflicting assumptions. If you are not sure what your friend wants during the conversation, ask him to “Tell me more about that …”.

Keep registering with you.

As you progress in this relationship, continue to be honest with yourself. If this arrangement ever feels uncomfortable or out of line with what you want, go for it.

While you should keep the agreements with your friend, above all, you should keep the most important agreements that you have made with yourself; These may include not being in a relationship that no longer makes you feel good.

If things change for you, be willing to talk to your friend about it. Perhaps the nature of your relationship has changed as well, and you both decide that you are ready to officially be more than friends. Or maybe there has been little or no change in what your friend wants and the two of you decide that it is time to stop having sex with each other.

Consider your bigger picture wishes for yourself and your future.